


why do they keep putting have and syb in the same room

by braigwen_s



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Incorrect Quotes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:22:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27389416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/braigwen_s/pseuds/braigwen_s
Summary: Horrible best friends.
Relationships: Sybil Ramkin & Havelock Vetinari
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	why do they keep putting have and syb in the same room

**Author's Note:**

> All from this video, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LEbbKktwL4&t.
> 
> All complaints about the general concept to be directed to @dats_der_bunny, who put the idea of posting this abomination against formatting in my head.

"Also, Havelock likes to work on making me feel really vulnerable, and, and, and - and not at ease, so a lot of that's quite close to the surface and quite raw." [laughing]

\---[nodding] "Quite, quite raw."

"Close to the surface."

\---"Really, just... just boiling."

"You might say - you might say -"

\---"You want to keep it on a simmer, all the time."

"-excruciating. I mean you could, you could say that."

"No, I, I'm just, I'm a whole lot of woman."

\---"[imitating Sam] Well, there's a whole lot of woman. [normal voice] Oh, oh, I'm so sorry."

\---[playing a well-known tune on a kazoo]

"This is so wonderful. Thanks for this."

\---"Was that good?"

"I've subsequently decided that's incorrect, and anything not involving Havelock has proved to be -"

\---"Horrible for her."

"A lot more enjoyable,"

\---"Just absolutely less enjoyable."

"And less strange."

\---"But you know what? You are so good."

[Havelock struggling with his Morporkian; Sybil laughing too hard to correct him]

WILLIAM DE WORDE: I almost want to get all the moments of you on formal occasions, doing --- this with each other.

"No-one likes it. We've annoyed everyone."

\---"Yes."

"We've annoyed everyone in the Rats Chamber, and they don't want to be around it."

\---"Yes."

"We did alienate people over the years, didn't we?"

WILLIAMDE WORDE: The friendship...

\---"...Not us, but people didn't appreciate the fun we were having."

\---"No, I understand the question, thank you, thank you Sybil. That's a great question. I think the high point [in Sam's career] was just before he met Lady Ramkin."

"Would you say [you have become seen as] a more likable person?"

\---"No."

"A more human person?"

\---" _No_."

"Someone citizens can connect with more?"

\---" _NO_."

\---"[pointing to her] I like us."

WILLIAM DE WORDE: Awwwwww.

"You're pathetic."

\---"So pathetic."

\---"But why do you, why do you -"

"You really shouldn't touch someone's shoe."

\---"I - I'm sorry, what was, what was -"

"It's actually part of the design. It's off-white, in collaboration with Yike, and that - because it's a comment. I mean, you receive it however you want, but it's a post-modern comment on consumerist society."

\---"That cost how much, exactly?"

"I don't think it's time to give judgement aBOUT SOMEONE'S -"

\---"No, hang on a second, hand on a second-"

"NO. I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry -"

\---"NO. No. It's a comment on post-consumerism, and that's just - 'how much was the shoe?'"

\---"Yes, it's been wonderful."

"No, I have enjoyed it."

\---"Absolutely wonderful."

"I don't enjoy it! I don't like you!"

\---"[gently, rubbing her shoulder] this is me, I'm here."

WILLIAM DE WORDE, sotto voce: oh, wow

"And I got annoyed, actually, because really,"

\---"And she never gets annoyed."

"-no-one had treated me like that before. And then the next time was at the garden party, when you marched up to me and said 'We need to go and look at this now' and I said 'well, I'm actually -' and you said 'I hope you're not going to be difficult about all this.' And then Lady Meserole, Lady Meserole said 'Oh this is great, this is exactly what we wanted, we didn't know it would turn out like this'."

"Well, you know what, we _are_ all going to die."

\---"It's a theory."

"And it's something that you have to come to terms with, and make the most of each day."

\---"Are you - have you come to terms with that? Mortality?"

"Yeah, I think I have. Have you?"

\---"No."

"Really?"

\---"Not really."

"Why?"

\---"I don't want to die."

"You don't _want_ to?"

\---"No, I know I will -"

"Are you going to become a vampire?"

\---"Ha!"

"Just the head, can you keep just the head?"

\---"They don't have any coffins that -” [he gestures to his height; Sybil bursts out laughing]

\---"She gets so emotional about things, it’s very funny.”

“I won’t miss that. I actually won’t miss that. And every time I start to get a little bit sentimental about it, then -”

\---"I say something to stop that.”

“I see him.”

“Do you enjoy snacks? You don’t strike me as the sort of person that does snack.”

\---[takes small handful of nuts from bowl and puts one in his mouth, looks at her cheekily]

“That is snacking on nuts. That is a healthy option.”

\---”I know.”

“[through gritted teeth] Just lie. Say anything.”

\---"Yes.”

“He’s winning. He’s eating nuts.”

“Was it an impersonation?”

\---”No, I would never do that.”

“Was it an impersonation of someone?”

“Isn’t it my turn?”

\---”No, I have a question. [struggles with Morporkian]”

“Can you read? Are you okay? Do you want me to read it out, like we do with your speeches? I read it out, and you repeat it, and that’s how you learn?”

\---”I’m so proud of you.”

“Oh, thank you.”

\---”You’ve done so well.”

“I really appreciate that.”

“I want to thank you for that.”

\---”Well, you’re welcome.”

\---”How would I choose her to die?”

“Allow your imagination to run riot.”

\---”Old age.”

“Oh.”

\---"[mimes exploding] Ah, yes. It could happen.”

“It’s really not gentlemanly to read while doing a newspaper interview.”

\---”Well, have you ever thought of me as a gentleman?”

“Good point.”

WILLIAM DE WORDE: Has anyone ever told you you’re as boring as you are ugly?

\---[his face just buried in his hands]

“Yes, they have.”

\---[he lets out a little groan; she puts a hand on his shoulder]

\---"[struggles with Morporkian]"

“Can you read?”

\---”No, but - [continues to struggle]”

[she hides her face, laughing]

\---"This is what I have to deal with.”

“I want to sing.”

\---"It can be a song if you want it to.”

“I really want to sing.”

“Should it be on ice skates?”

\---"YES!”

“It should be on ice skates.”

\---"Oh my gods!”

“You’re being honest.”

\---”Yes, that’s what I said.”

“Not really, you said ‘okay,’ which is quite neutral -”

\----“You jumped in and-”

\---“No, no, no, just give it to her. [clasps his hands together in front of him] I’m going to come now.”

“Who would you like to see on the throne?”

\---”I would like to see Lady Ramkin on the throne.”

“And why is that?”

\---”I think she would be an honourable and just ruler.”

“That’s such a wonderful answer, thank you.”

\---[he goes to begin reading; they both burst out laughing]

\---“I think it’s safe to say you have improved.”

“Stop it.”

\---"As a person.”

“Really, just stop it.”

\---"Beyond just as a public figure -”

“Really, it is so sad when he shows this side of himself.”

\----“I think you’re egging him on. But that’s just - maybe just me reading into…”

“Well, you’re entitled to think what you like.”

\---“I know.”

WILLIAM DE WORDE: If you [weren’t who you were], who would you be? You probably wouldn’t be a Duchess, you probably wouldn’t, necessarily, be a Patrician.

\---"No.”

WILLIAM DE WORDE: Who would you be?

“Why wouldn’t I be - why wouldn’t I be a duchess?”

\---”I would probably be a farmer somewhere. Hopefully just trying to live my life and, you know, not get involved.”

“I truly believe I would be Lady Ramkin. I truly, truly believe that.”

\---"Just go - just go with -”

“Mad, delusional egomaniac, also with a strange Svengali complex… you have done nothing but agitate me.”

\---"Oh, I don’t believe that I made you.”

“Really?”

\---I’ve just helped.”

“Right, okay.”

\---"You’ve done the bulk of the work yourself.”

WILLIAM DE WORDE: Who would be your one contact if you were in jail?

\---"Well, it wouldn’t be anyone who is nobility. A police officer, I think.”

“Havelock Vetinari.”

“If I could kill anybody on the Disc, it would be Ronald Rust.”

\---"King Rhys.”

“What?! Why?!”

\---"Because she’s the biggest threat, to Ankh-Morpork.”

\---"She’s very helpful.”

“Toxic.”

\---"Supportive. She’s so supportive.”

“ _Weird_.”

\---"And very caring. And loving.”

\---"It’s going to be an ashtray. In the house.”

\---"Good point, well-made.”


End file.
